| Decided to do one of those blasted questionnaire things |
[Mar. 16th, 2006|11:39 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  frustrated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Hironobu Kageyama - Hikari Nokodomo | ] |
I've always secretly loved these things. I decided to check on Laura's journal for the first time since we started dating and I saw this and I was bored.
200. My middle name is: Michael
199. On my mind right now: The awesome song that's playing right now (Hironobu Kageyama - Hatenanohane). I fuckin' love this song. I'm going to listen to X Japan as soon as this 5-disc greatest hits collection is over. I'm on the last disc. I'm also thinking of the retarded DVD burner that is wasting space in my computer because it's not competent enough to read most DVDs or to burn them. I've just been having a frusterating day trying to get my Dragonball episodes burnt to DVDs so Marty can watch them.
198. I am: Quite a character, according to my boss. I'm very, very slow, according to my boss's boss. I'm just the right blend of witty, charming, humorous, intelligent, wise, creative, resourceful, lazy, stubborn, affectionate, rebellious, eccentric, good-natured, independant, even-tempered, calm, without a care, selfish, selfless, logical, emotionless, and self-satisfied, according to me.
197. My hair is: Long, brown, shiny, and tainted with tangles
196. My eye color is: Brown
195. My shoe size is: 9 1/2 (or 7 if they are Converse)
194. My ring size is: Absolutely no idea
193. My shirt size is: X-Large
192. My height is: 69 inches (5'9")
191. I am allergic to: Work. Other than that, I don't know.
190. I live: With someone I enjoy living with.
189. The last book I read: Last book I read from was Catch 22. The last book I finished was the 2nd-to-last Harry Potter one.
188. My bed is: The sawed-off top half of the bunk bed I used to share with my brother. I've had that thing since I was only this big.
187. One thing I know for sure about the opposite sex is: They sure make this life a lot more enjoyable.
186. I am glad I'm my sex because: I'm stronger physically and more emotionally stable this way. Also, periods and pregnancy would suck. The attention from the opposite sex would be nice, but I would end up hating it because I'd realize it is all empty attention. I like attention because I gained it.
185. What kind of underwear do you wear?: Boxers.
184. What do you see first in the opposite sex?: Face and hair unless she is facing away from me, then just hair. What do I see first in her personality? I take note of how she treats others she is around.
185. What is your craziest sexual experience?: Having one.
184. Do you watch porn? When I'm really bored or came across a very attractive female on some site and it gets me in the mood.
183. What do you think of Beyonce? Who's she again? Let me bring up a picture...well, she has a lot of sexy-themed pictures on Google Images. I assume she sings pop music...not my preference. Other than that I know nothing of her, nor allow my mind to involve her in any of my thoughts.
182. Do you like to wear hats? No. I get headaches from them sometimes and I don't like how they look on me.
181. Have you been to New York City? No.
180. What song are you listening to right now? An awesome one. It's X Japan - Scars. It's not my favorite of their's but I thoroughly enjoy all of them.
179. My favorite Holiday is: Halloween because of the dark theme and dressing up and candy.
178. The perfect kiss is: Very softly involving almost exclusively the lips and nothing else. Almost.
177. The last three cd's I bought are: Last one was Ayreon - The Final Experiment. The one before that was Porcupine Tree - In Absentia. The one before that was Modest Mouse - Building Nothing Out Of Something.
176. Last song that made me cry was: Aerosmith - I Don't Want To Miss A Thing, though the song just tipped me over. Most of it was because I missed Kelli so much when I was riding the Greyhound away from her house the first time I visited.
175. If you could go anywhere right now where would you go? Into the world of Imagination.
174. What is your favorite sport? Badmitton.
173. What do you think will be the best month in 2006? One of the summer ones because it will be warmer and I can drive with my windows down and hopefully I'll have a working stereo so I can attempt to convert the misguided population over to real music once again.
172. My most treasured possession(s) is(are): My imagination, mind, and personality, my stories I wrote, my music collection, my body, and the people who care about me...not in that order.
170. What did you do last night: I watched Dragonball and ate Reese's before going to bed and sleeping.
167. My skin's reaction to the sun is (tan/burn): Tan. I rarely burn and when I do it's mild and it never feels even the slightest bit uncomfortable.
:::::I Do (YES)/Do Not (NO) Believe In:::::
143. Easter bunny?: No.
142. love at first sight?: No.
141. luck?: Yes, but it is nothing more than coincidence.
140. faith?: Do I believe in faith? That's a stupid question. Do you have faith that people believe things? However, in the interest of answering how it was intended, I do have faith in things. Anyone who says they don't is lying or misinformed. Everything in everyone's life is accepted on faith. You have faith that the company you work for will pay you on time. When you get sick you have faith that you will get better. When you turn on your computer you have faith that it will automatically start everything up just fine, unless you know of a problem, then you have faith that the problem will still be there because you didn't do anything about it. We have faith that our heart will keep us alive. When you recall something, you are having faith that your memory is intact. Everything we experience depends on the faith we have in our sense's accuracy when reporting to our brain and our brain's ability to remember it accurately.
139. God?: As much as I believe in everyone I see.
138. Aliens?: Not besides the people from other countries.
137. Heaven?: Heavens yes!
136. Hell?: Hell yeah!
135. Ghosts?: Yes.
134. Horoscopes?: I believe they exist but if they are correct then it is just coincidence.
133. Soul mates? Nope.
:::::Which is Better?:::::
132. Coke or Pepsi? Pepsi. They taste the same to me but Pepsi has a blue can and Coke has a red one. When I'm thirsty, red doesn't give me the impression of quenching my thirst, but blue certainly does. Also, Pepsi products are way better. Mug Root Beer vs Barq's. Mug. Sprite vs Mountain Dew. Dew.
131. Snow or Sleet? Snow!
130. Michael or Janet? Michael. His songs are better.
129. Hugs or Kisses?: Hugs. They tend to be quicker. Don't get me wrong, I like both. It's just that kisses are often more time-consuming and expected to be so.
128. Drunk or High?: Never been either, but I'd say high. Drunk sounds like a lot of out-of-control and closer to the majority of people. High sounds like how I am a lot of times anyway. I like how I am.
127. phone or online: Online. You can talk to more than one person, don't have to hold anything up to your ear, and can end conversations without an excuse.
126. Red hair or Black hair?: Black. Dark reds are nice. Black just has that luxury look about it.
125. Blondes or Brunettes: Blondes, though I find more brunettes attractive.
124. CD or Vinyl?: CD. Quality is everything. Besides, when's the last time you wrote some video clips to a record?
123. Simpsons or Family Guy: Family Guy only because I've only seen one Simpsons episode.
122. Biking or hiking: Hiking. I love climbing all over rocks and stuff. Some of the rare times I get energetic and excited.
121. Birds or bees: Birds because they are easier to see and don't sting you. Plus most of them make better sounds than bzzzzz.
120. Night or Day: Day because stores are open and music doesn't have as limited of limits. Night becaue it's darker, which is more relaxing on the eyes, and it's calmer and not nearly as crowded outside and because I can sleep easier. It's a hard choice, especially since I can get away from everyone during the day and close my curtains, but I'd have to say the night since that's what I try to replicate in my house.
119. Oranges or Apples: Oranges. I don't like the color orange, but they are really good to eat. I like orange juice better, too, but orange flavored anything else I can't stand.
118. Curly or Straight hair: They are both good. Straight is better on guys by far. I hate when guys have curly hair. On girls, however, wavy is the best, then straight, then curly.
117. Surfing or Skateboarding: Surfing because it seems like the real deal and you don't wear the stupid pads and helmets. The apparell is much cooler for surfing and it's on waves and the guys are cool and don't have to tell everyone about it opposed to trying to be cool like skaters. I've never surfed and I've rode a skateboard only a few times.
:::::Here's What I Think About:::::
116. Abortion?: Pros: Save the kid from this world. Mom doesn't have to go through birth. Mom doesn't end up with baby after being raped or something. Cons: It's killing. Child doesn't get any delay before sleeping until the judgement day in which it most likely won't go to Heaven. Child doesn't get any pleasures of this life. Child is never loved. Overall, I'm look down on it. It's wrong. However, it doesn't really make them more of a bad person. They aren't serving God anyway, so it's not like what they do matters in the long run.
115. Backstabbers?: Cowards. I get really close to being a backstabber sometimes. I have to watch that. Well, mine is more two-faced. Talking bad behind your back is closer to what I do. However, since my talking bad about someone is maybe making a joke about their personality or something, it's not really bad.
114. Parents?: My parents? It sometimes makes me feel inadequate because I know I can never surpass my dad. He's at the top. I'm very thankful for them, though. Parents in general are good because that's how people are born. Parents staying together is awesome.
113. My ex?: She's the non-relative I'm closest to. I'm very happy living with her. She's really grown on me. I didn't think that would ever happen with anyone.
112. Change: It sucks most of the time but it's good when it comes to food.
111. Heartbreak: It hurts. I never want to feel it again.
110. School?: It was boring and took too much of my free time. I hate the homework because that takes my remaining free time. However, I wish I was back in high school because of how self-satisfied, good-natured, and confident I've become since then. I would have a blast and I would take great delight in walking right through the clique barriers.
109. Crying: It feels good once you start. It's like a sneeze. When I feel either of them coming on I try to help it come and not let the feeling get away. I find it a lot harder to get all the way to actually crying than sneezing, though. I haven't cried since last time I left Kelli's place. That was like 2-3 years ago.
::::Last time I::::(family doesn't count)
103. Kissed someone: Laura, last night.
102. last time i hugged someone: Laura, today.
101. Seen someone I haven't seen in a while: Mike Tiebout in Taco Bell.
99. Cried: I told you! Last time I left Kelli's place. I was at work and was unable to talk to the people to help them out with their Norton Antivirus problems and my stomach was starting to hurt and I had to go home halfway through the day and ended up crying the whole way home. It had been a week since I got back home from Kelli's. That's when I decided to move there and then decided against it when she ended the friendship.
::::MISC::::
90. Who's the ditziest person I know: Lauri at work. Man.
89. Who makes you laugh the most: Monte, Aaron, myself, and the guys at somethingawful.com
87. One thing I'm ticked about right now is: My freakin' DVD burning not working right and not being able to find any program to do what I need without asking for $30 for each one.
83. The last movie I saw in the theater was: 16 blocks. It was better than average.
82. The thing I don't understand is: Thing...as in singular? There are so many things I don't understand. Well, I one thing I find myself being constantly reminded of and constantly being denied an explanation of is what makes people like the music they do and not other music. And it's not that they haven't been exposed to other music. Even when they hear it they don't like it. What goes on in their mind to make them miss the vital parts of music that I enjoy so much?
80. The most unsatisfactory answer I've ever recieved: "Because I said so." or "That's just how it is."
79. The one thing I love about the opposite sex is: Overall they are soft and gentle, in looks, in personality, in their care, and in their touch.
76. This summer I am: Going to be warmer and have more Hiyou Miyazaki movies and be older.
75. Something I will really miss when I leave home is: My computer, my music, my ability to control my surroundings and the mood, my comfort of being sheltered, and my solitude.
74. The thing that I'm looking forward to the most: All the movies I ordered and am going to order arriving. Also, hearing more music that I haven't heard before. Pretty much everything I have or am doing right now, just more of it.
73. Tomorrow: I'm hanging out with Aaron, washing my clothes at my parent's house, fixing their computer, watching Dragonball, and who knows what else?
72. Today: Was frusterating. Let's not talk about today anymore.
71. Last Summer: Was enjoyable.
70. Next Week: I'm gonna have to work but hopefully I'll get some of the movies I ordered.
67. People call me: Weird, funny, lazy, and slow.
64. The person I have been good friends with the longest: Nick.
Where did 63 go?
62. The person/people who know/s the most about me is? Kelli and my family.
61. The person that can read me the best is: Marty or my Aunt Vicki. That's a tough one.
60. The most difficult thing to do is: Do something I don't want to do or motivate myself.
59. I have gotten a speeding ticket: Once for going 80 in a 55 zone because I was passing 2 cars at once and the 2nd one was a cop.
58. I have the following siblings: Andrea, Amy, Matt, Catie, and Ben.
56. My zodiac sign is: Capricorn.
55. The first person I thought i was in love with was: Kelli.
53. The one person who can't hide things from me: You give me too much credit.
51. Right now I am talking to: No one in particular, but I'm indirectly talking to whoever is reading this. I was talking to squall from RPGi a while ago.
48. I have/will get a job at/with: Cunt-ry Coach, Country Convict, Country Coach High, Country Unfinished Coach Repair, Sofa Kingdom, take your pick.
47. I have these pets: The occasional ant that gets inside. I'm not a very good owner, though.
46. I hope: I can somehow get enough money in the near future without doing anything to just live comfortably off the interest. I also hope Laura finds happiness.
45. Worst Sound in the world: Loud machinery and STYROFOAM! Ugh!
44. The person that makes me cry the most is: I guess it would have to be my parents because I cried from them way more than from anyone else. Spankings tend to do that when you are young. Besides that I've cried a few times over Kelli. Not much, though.
39. Chicken/ Beef: It depends on what it's in. In Mexican food beef is better. By itself, chicken is better, unless it's barbequed, then beef.
35. florida or hawaii: Hawaii. It's an island. It's not connected to everything else. It's safe and secluded. It's remote. Paradises have to be remote.
33. My favorite piece of clothing is: My Dream Theater shirts, my City Name Sports Team shirts, my biker boots, and my Squall Leonhart jacket.
32. My favorite sport(s) to play is: Badmitton because I'm good at it.
31. Last time I cried: You already asked this. It was 2-3 years ago.
28. The school I go to is: Country Coach High.
27. Last person I got ticked at: Probably Laura because she was being impatient with me. However, ticked for me is just being silent and responding as little as possible without ignoring.
26. My worst drinking experience was: When I actually got a buzz. It made me less aware of my surroundings. People suddenly appeared in front of me and I didn't like it one bit. It was hard fo rme to walk and I felt really tired and just wanted everyone to leave me alone and stop talking to me.
22. The all-time best movie is: Lord Of The Rings trilogy.
21. The all-time best thing in the world is: Imagination.
20. So, about them Canadians eh? What about them? They are pretty cool. They seem like they have their shit together.
19. Do you like to spam?: It's alright.
18. The most annoying person you know is: Random people I see walking around or driving or at work. I don't know people who are very annoying.
17. I lose all respect for people who?: Don't respect me, follow the crowd, are mean, have bad intentions, are fake and only interested in appearance, whether it be a person's looks, if someone looks busy or not, or if their car has a tiny scratch in it.
11. The worst emotional pain I was ever in was: When Kelli stopped being my friend.
10. My favorite phrase: I'd like to say "Don't sweat the petty things, don't pet the sweaty things" but that's only because I can't think of any others right now. I also like the one I made up "It's not the end of the world and even if it was, we'd all be dead and wouldn't care."
9. My room: Empty of nice things and full of messy things.
8. My favorite celebrity is: Johnny Depp, Denzel Washington, Bill Murry, Bruce Willis, Will Smith, Hugh Jackman, Ian McKellen, Patrick Stewart, Harrison Ford, Kurt Russell, Jack Nicholson, and Ewan McGregor.
5. My weakness is: My laziness and I'm too lazy to overcome it.
4. What turns me on: Porn when I'm in the mood, Laura when she's in the mood, and once seeing the awesome effects of my virus I made got me hard.
3. Who broke your heart: Kelli did. I was to blame, though.
2. What is something you want people to know? The truth about everything, down to the finest detail.
1. What do you regret most: Not having my parents get me circumsized back when they were offering it to me when I was younger. Other than that I really don't regret anything. I make it a habit not to do anything I regret. |
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| Hello again |
[Nov. 6th, 2005|10:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Björk - Human Behaviour | ] |
My, so much has happened since the last time I updated. In fact, the day after the entry before this, I met a very nice and cute girl named Laura. I was working overtime in another building and I commented on her Star Wars sweatshirt and Foamy shirt. I found out that she was really good friends with Nick in high school. I got her number. Go me! Then I went to my old high school to greet my old teachers and came across a girl named Katie and we talked for a while about a variety of things and I gave her a ride home. I later found out that she is also friends with Nick. Small world.
So anyway, the next day was Laura's best guy friend, Mat's birthday and they were gonna hang out and she asked if I wanted to accompany them. I sure did. So I met Mat, Cody, and Laura's brother, Will. A few days later I met Laura's best girl friend, Jamie, and her boyfriend, Chris. Since I met Laura, there has not been a day I haven't hung out with her. It became clear very early on that she had feelings for me. I didn't have any feelings stronger than early friendship for her at the time. I wasn't sure if it was because I just didn't like her or if it was something else. We share a lot of the same interests. We have a very similar sense of humor. She liked me. That last part was a major factor. The fact that she liked me without any effort or patience on my part was a major thumbs up. The only thing I could come up for my lack of feelings or inability to recognize my feelings was that since my "breakup" with Kelli, I've slowly been training myself to be happy alone. It got to the point where if I met a girl and talked with her, not matter how well things seemed to go, I wouldn't even feel a shred of sadness if nothing worked out. I got to where I didn't need anyone. Any one of my friends could just up and leave me and I wouldn't care at all. Let's say I had a best friend and that best friend got a girlfriend and who didn't like me and convinced him to stop being my friend. I would then see that I'm not as important to him as I thought I was and see where his priorities lie and my view of him would automatically drop to the point where I didn't really care if he was my friend or not. This would happen the instant I found out he didn't want to be my friend anymore and thus I wouldn't mourn at all over it. I suppose I was slowly approaching an emotionless state.
However, Laura came along and I had to suddenly wrench myself out of my happily-ever-after-alone state of mind so I could open up to her. It took a little bit and I had to look at things in black-and-white terms. Would I be okay if she just up and left? No. I didn't want to lose her. The only reason it was so easy be indecisive was because I was certain she would still be around. However, when I pretended that I might lose her if I didn't act immediately, I saw how much I really did want to be with her. I asked her out exactly one week after meeting her and she happily accepted. She is now living with me and even though she is changing things like my housekeeping habits and how early I get up to go to work, I love it. I've kissed a girl on the lips for the first time. I'm no longer a virgin. We make love almost every day, sometimes twice a day on weekends. It's just so nice having her in my life. I have hung out at her parent's house several times and her brother likes me. It's so great because now I can see a pretty girl and I don't have to think of anything to say to her. I can just see someone and ignore them without worrying that I'm letting her slip by. I don't have to feel that any lack of initiating a conversation with someone is the reason I'm still single. I can just let them pass on by without a second thought and not worry, because I already have Laura and she's all I need. That may sound very weird, but I really disliked talking to girls and wondering if they digged me or not. I would just as soon stay single all and not worry about it at all if it wasn't for the fact that I've never had a girlfriend and thus didn't know what I was missing. The fact that I had not experienced something that is suggested as being a very pleasurable experience was really the only thing keeping me from just forgetting the whole dating thing whatsoever. That and my desire to be number 1 on at least someone's list and to have someone genuinely appreciate and want me. Laura is everything I ever wanted in a girlfriend and more. She satisfies everything I desired even after a few days of hanging out. Now, don't be all giggling and having your mind in the gutter. Most of those desires were caring and non-physical things.
Well, she's in bed now and undoubtedly waiting for me while I finish this up and we have to be at work in 7 and a half hours, so I'm going to end this here and say "goodnight" and of course, sleep well. |
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| One more thing |
[Sep. 22nd, 2005|09:15 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Múm - Nightly Cares | ] |
I just went to my parent's house to get my laundry and they offered me some spaghetti. Yum. They had on the news and it was all about the Hurricane Rita. That was the first I heard of it because I'm not up to date on the news. It is hitting the area where Kelli lives. I was a little concerned about Hurricane Katrina but I found out it that her area was fine from that. But this one is hitting right there. People are evacuating and being stuck on the road for like 14 hours in 93 degree weather with overheating cars and running out of gas. This bothers me. I hope her family can get out alright. Some might ask why I still care or worry about her. I guess you never really get over someone like her all the way. It's safe to say I'll be keeping an eye on the news more for a while.
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| Sucky turn of events |
[Sep. 22nd, 2005|06:47 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Múm - Faraway Swimmingpool | ] |
This first paragraph isn't the sucky turn of events. I got a brush. A girly hair brush. Laugh at me. Go ahead. I'll laugh with you. My hair's getting longer, as everyone's does, but if I pull my bangs (are they even called bangs for guys?) down they reach to between my bottom lip and my chin. I noticed that it gets tangled and the thought never occured to me as to why. Then, one day at work, I had a sudden enlightenment: Maybe it's because because I never brush it. Ya think? Duh, Jason! Hey, I've never had hair this long before so I've never had to brush it or think about it. So, I went over to Wal-Mart to buy a brush. Tanya works there so of course I'm going to go an extra 10 miles to go there. I asked her about what types of brushes would be best for me and all she really did was laugh at me and tease me for buying a girly brush and sometime having a ponytail. Bah to her. I didn't really expect to get an informative answer from her. It was just an excuse to go talk to her. I told her so and she just rolled her eyes. I went and bought one. Now I brush my hair before I go somewhere and before I go to bed. Isn't this exciting? I brush my hair! Brushing hair is such a rare and unheard of thing! No one does it! I sound like a little kid telling people that I'm wearing Ninja Turtles underwear.
Anyway, the sucky turn of events is that my whole company is shutting down for a week. That means we all get the week off, unpaid. It's the first week of October. The reason they gave us is that because of the hurricane stuff, they can't ship their motorhomes to Florida, where a lot of them are shipped to. However, Marty heard from his old boss that the company is looking to sell to another company and the week off is so people can come in and give an appraisal. Whatever the reason, I'm getting all the overtime I can until then. One good thing for this is that I will probably be able to go visit Emily during that time. We've been having trouble finding a good time to meet and this may just be it.
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| Long time no see |
[Sep. 19th, 2005|11:18 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | awake | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Múm - Weeping Rock, Rock | ] |
I've had a lot to write about since my last entry but not a lot of motivation to write about it. I guess I can sum it up.
I got a really cool program called ePSXe, which is a Playstation emulator. It's a program that can play Playstation games on your computer. It works really well. It's smooth, the sound is better because my speakers are better than T.V. speakers, and the graphics are better because I have an awesome video card. And, you don't need to have the disc to play them. You can copy the CD to your computer and just play off the file. I've been replaying Xenogears. Man, that game is so cool! It was made in 1998, the same year as Final Fantasy 7. It was made by the same company, Squaresoft. However, it is a different division of Squaresoft. It's the division that made Chrono Trigger and Chrono Cross. Ever since I played FF7 I hadn't found a game with a better storyline. Xenogears, however, beat the crap out of it. FF7 has the best bad guy out of any game/movie/book I've experienced. I'm not alone in this opinion. Not by far. But Xenogears is kinda like playing FF7, but the bad guy is the main character. However, his bad guy side only comes out once in a while but otherwise he's this really cool guy with a Goku-like personality.
I've pretty much just given up with Jennifer. After testing the waters I see that she's not for me. Even if she wanted to date me, she's not my type. I wouldn't be happy with her. Sure, she's gorgeous, but that's certainly not everything. She's nice, but just too...I don't know, materialistic? Too much into drinking and partying and hanging out with large groups all the time. She also doesn't seem to really care about really knowing someone. Everything's just a game to her. But she's cool to talk to.
Then there's Tanya. I finally did something with her. After some strategic discussions, we've established that the best time for us to hang out with our clashing work schedules is on Friday or Saturday night after midnight. I get those days off and she gets off work at midnight but isn't ready for bed then. Our first time out was going bowling. We played 3 games. She gave the impression that she was going to beat me bad, and she did beat me the first 2 games, but not by very much. We both suck, lol. She got 100 and I got like 85 or something. Next game she got 78, I think, and I got maybe 65. Then I got around 115 and I don't remember what she got. Somewhere in the 80's I'd imagine. Then she asked me what I wanted to do next. Well, I hadn't eaten for quite a while so I opted we got to IHOP. I followed her and she missed the exit so we had to take a long detour. We ate, I paid, then we went home. I said we should do this again next weekend but she has to drive down to California to pick up her mom then.
Lastly would be Nick. I don't know if you remember, but I was best friends with someone named Nick for quite some time. I've known him since he was born. After his dad got excommunicated from our church, I was cautioned not to hang out with him anymore since he was staying with his dad and might influence me. I hung out with him anyway. However, one day he IMed me saying he never wants to talk to me again because it was a one-sided friendship and he always did all the calling and making plans. It didn't really hit me very hard and I just let him go. I didn't view our friendship the way he did and so I didn't care because I knew he was in the wrong. Time passed on and I had many people with whom I did all the calling and making all the plans and then I saw how I must have treated him. I wanted to apologize but I was afraid to talk to him. It had been about a year and a half since we talked and I was afraid he hated me and that only hurtful words would come out of his mouth. I had a lot of that from Kelli and I didn't want to volunteer for more if I didn't have to. However, I went into McDonald's recently, which is a very rare thing for me, and I saw him walk by because he works there. I almost got up enough courage to go talk to him, but then I saw him look at me and just walk by as if I wasn't there and I gave up. I told myself I was being stupid for thinking things would change. It would have probably only made things worse, such is a habit of mine. This is just how things are and how they will stay. I had already learned that there's nothing I can say to change someone's opinion of me once they know me and decide they hate me. Oh well, I could get over it. It's not like it was anything new. It's been a year and a half afterall. I should be used to it now.
But what hurts is this is where I know I failed. I try to treat people well and all my online friends will tell you that I'm one of the nicest guys around. People at work will say the same thing. The ladies at Womenspace share the same opinion. I'm just a great guy, no getting around it. But I know that I've not treated everyone like this. Sometimes I feel that my nice personality is just a false front to make others like me. Sometimes I wonder if I really mean what I say. If you can fake sincerity, you've got it made. I've always hated that thought. Faking sincerity. What kind of dishonest jerk would do that? But...is that what I'm really doing? When someone needs my help and I help them, am I doing it for them? Am I doing it because some kind of selfless nature was engraved in me by my parents and their religion and it's just some automatic reaction that doesn't require any sacrifice on my part? Am I doing it just because I know it will make me look good to that person? I don't want any of that. I want to be sincere. I just don't know how to tell or how to change it. What if some or all of these are true? Do I ever really care about people? I often feel that I don't care about anyone. I say I love my family but I don't really feel it. They say they love me and I believe them 100% but I don't really feel it. It's like being colorblind. Someone call tell you something is red and you believe them 100% but that doesn't mean you can see it. I don't really miss it anymore because I've forgotten what it feels like to feel love for or from someone, if in fact I ever really felt it to begin with. I often find myself unwanting of a girlfriend. Dating and having feelings and all that stuff is just too complicated. It's too confusing. There's too much having to play things our right. All that "one chance" stuff just doesn't do it for me. Or then there's stuff like you can't do this but you should do this and if you do this she'll take it this way and don't do this or you'll scare her off. Are you going as friends or is it a date? Why the freakin' labels! I shouldn't have to decide. If I pay for it or if she does, that shouldn't matter. If you like being around someone then be around them more. None of this "playing hard to get" crap. No "ball's in so and so's court". Friends don't have to deal with that. Romance is just a step up from friendship. It doesn't replace friendship. It builds upon it. Romantic feelings are a more evolved friendly feeling, but all the same lack of rules should apply. If I want to hang out with someone, I'll tell them. If I don't want to, I'll say I don't want to. If I think someone's good-looking, I'll tell them. If I want to talk to them, I'll call them, even if I called them several days in a row before. That's how I am. I do what I want and how I want. Simple. No confusion. It's when other people have to confuse things that it makes it hard for me. If having feelings for someone can't come without all the confusion and games, I don't want anything to do with them. I'd rather just be single than have to follow some rules that other people made. I won't be satisfied with that. That's being what other people say someone should be. If I can't find someone by doing what makes me satisfied with myself, then I just won't bother. I like myself. That's number one and I won't do anything to cause me to have a lesser opinion of myself. I don't want something that I got by a means that I don't approve of.
Anyway, Nick later came and sat at my table and apologized. I just told him that it was indeed a sucky situation and I apologized for not recognizing how I made him feel. It turns out he only lives half a mile away from me now. He's pretty much the only one who comes to my place. He's all into anime and anime conventions. His past-times are now anime, punk rock, and pot. He's not so much into the game scene anymore. He is buying a new computer when he gets a debit card and he said he'll join the forums. That should be cool.
And well, it's 12:34 now. I should have been in bed at 10. Ah well, I felt like getting all this out. I'm going to be tired tomorrow at work, just like I was today. Good night, y'all, and sleep well.
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| Queen - You're My Best Friend |
[Sep. 6th, 2005|10:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | sleepy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Múm - There Is A Number Of Small Things | ] |
This song is dedicated to someone I hold dear and she knows who she is. *hugs*
Ooh, you make me live
Whatever this world can give to me
It's you, you're all I see
Ooh, you make me live now honey
Ooh, you make me live
Oh, you're the best friend
That I ever had
I've been with you such a long time
You're my sunshine
And I want you to know
That my feelings are true
I really love you
(ooh) oh, you're my best friend
Ooh, you make me live
Ooh, I've been wandering round
But I still come back to you (still come back to you)
In rain or shine
You've stood by me girl
I'm happy at home (happy at home)
You're my best friend
Ooh, you make me live
Whenever this world is cruel to me
I got you, to help me forgive - oo oo ooh
Ooh, you make me live now honey
Ooh, you make me live
Oh, you're the first one
When things turn out bad
You know I'll never be lonely
You're my only one
And I love the thing
I really love the things that you do
Oh, you're my best friend
Oh, ooh, you make me live
I'm happy (happy at home)
You're my best friend
Oh, oh, you're my best friend
Ooh, you make me live
Oo oo ooh
You, you're my best friend
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| Recent pictures |
[Aug. 26th, 2005|01:35 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | sleepy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Dream Theater - Misunderstood | ] |
My dad gave me his old camera so now I'm suddenly picture-happy. I took some pictures before I left their house. I wanted to take some of my family's cat, Baby, and dog, Momo. Momo was named that after the character from Breath Of Fire 3 from my youngest sister, Catie. It fits her because she is peach color and "momo" is peach in Japanese. I had to get some of me in there, too, of course. These are hot off the press. Taken only a few days ago. Enjoy.
Momo wagging tail
Momo laying down
Baby laying down
Baby laying down again
Baby laying down yet again
Me in mirror with my awesome shades I reversed it in Photoshop so it's not backwards.
Me in mirror with shades again
Me in mirror without shades
Me not in mirror I decided it would be easier to just look in the mirror at the back of the camera so the camera wouldn't be in the way.
My viking face Inspired by David.
Me with slicked back hair Like I wore it to the house party that many people looked at but few commented on.
Me with slicked back hair and smiling
Me with slicked back hair and shades
Mirrors We have 3 mirrors that are doors and if I open the 2 outer ones and leave the middle one closed, you get a rather unique effect. I spent a long time experimenting with this as a kid.
Hall Of Mirrors One of the things I found was that if you positioned them just right you would have what looked like a hall that went on forever. This was what gave me the idea for the Hall Of Mirrors for my story "Light" and was actually the first thing I thought of when starting to write the story. I want to have an actual room with mirrors for the floor, walls, and ceiling when I have my own permanent house. The ceiling one will be 2-way with a light above it so the light can go through but it will look like a mirror from in the room. The room will be lit but you won't be able to see where it's coming from.
I was playing Dance Dance Revolution tonight and these 2 girls came over and sat down by the game and started talking to me. After I was done dancing they got a camera out and each wanted a picture with me to show off to their friends of the hot guy they got a picture with. That was strange. I've never had a girl just come up to me and talk before.
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| At the fair |
[Aug. 21st, 2005|01:34 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | awake | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Stratovarius - Phoenix | ] |
My sister, Andrea, called me up and wanted me to take her and our sister, Catie, to the fair. Sure. Jennifer was probably going to be taking her kids there today anyway and later Laci and Terri were going. Maybe I'd see them. I took them at 1 pm and we did the normal fair things. I had a 1/4 pound of chocolate fudge with walnuts (yum!). I went to this booth where a guy was using this measuring thing that he would hold up to different parts of a person's spine and it would send signals to measure something. Then it would show how far left or right something was from what it's supposed to be and it had to do with your muscles. I tried it and mine was sporadic. It was the worst one I saw from anyone who tried it. He said that my muscles are really tense and overworked and asked if I feel any pain. I said I never do and he said that I must have a high pain tolerance. He said to maybe take a break from whatever would be causing it and just watch myself. Then we hit the rides. I was always a scaredy cat when it came to rides. I'd only ride the slower ones. I get sick when I spin on a swing so I didn't want to chance it. I went on all the fastest rides this time just to do it. It was a blast! I only felt a little sick because I had just eaten that chocolate and it was only gas. Then I ate Subway, got a strawberry smoothy and then kettle corn (I love that stuff). I tried the thing where you use a rubber sledge hammer to hit the thing and make the thing hit the bell at the top. 0-99 meant you don't win anything. 100-149 is 2nd place and 150 is 1st. I hit 101 and then something like 97 and 99. I got a little stuffed frog that I gave to Catie. They went on a few more rides and then we went to get ice cream. Andrea's attention was of course taken by the booth where there are all kinds of glass figures. Then the oriental booth caught her eye. Finally they got their ice cream. It was 8:30. I hadn't seen Jennifer around at all. Terri and Laci were going to be going at 9 and Jennifer was supposedly going with them. That is, if she made it home alright. The fair closed at 11 so I didn't have much time to bring my sisters home and then run back up there. Andrea couldn't find her debit card. She looked all through her purse and in my car. The last time she used it was at the ATM before we went to the fair. We checked there and there was nothing. We went to Albertson's to buy some hair clips because she put my hair in a pony-tail but it's not quite long enough yet and a bunch came out so she used clips to hold that part back. I said I'd check Albertson's after I dropped her off at home.
I ran back up to the fair. It was 10 o'clock. It was way crowded with teenagers. I walked around and around and never saw anyone I recognized except for Cody who works where I do. He was at the party last night. I asked him if he saw Terri or Laci anywhere. He said he saw them at Robert's (where the party was) and I asked if he meant he saw them last night or tonight. His attention was already taken away by something else and he was drinking so I just figured he didn't know what he was talking about. The fair closed and I walked back to my car. I had to walk 5 blocks north and 2 blocks west to get to my car. Robert's house was on the way and sure enough, Laci and Terri were standing around outside with Terri's 15-year-old son, Stephin. I asked if they heard from Jennifer at all. Neither of them had. The older guy who was talking to her a lot last night was there and I asked him if he heard from her. He hadn't but said that the guy who she went to the other party with was just across the street and 3 houses down. I went over there and a party was going on in the back yard. I went in the back and it was almost identical to the party from last night. I looked around at all the bald black guys and tried to find the one that had the same face as the one from last night. I spotted him in the kitchen because the door was open. I went in there and saw some guys sitting on the floor with money in the middle of them. I got the guy's attention and he came outside where the music wasn't so loud. He was drunk. I asked him if the girl he left with made it home alright. He said (repeating different parts of the sentence before moving on to the next part) that after the party was over at 6 am she drove him home and then went home and went to sleep. Okay, good, that's all I wanted to know. But did he leave it at that? No. The rest of the conversation lasted quite a while, mainly because he would repeat what he said so many times and ask me the same questions over and over even when I answered him. Basically he said that he knows I really like her, he can tell. He works at the same place I do (I didn't know that) and he sees us taking breaks together all the time. Last night was the first night he actually talked to her and from just that he now likes her a lot. He said to be straight up with him and tell him if I like her because if I do, he'll back off a little, but if not, he's gonna move in on her really fast. I guess I would lie to myself that I didn't like her because she sort of avoided me when she thought I wanted to date her. Also, I haven't had feelings for anyone since Kelli and so I'm skeptical about any feelings I might feel for someone and just push them out of my head before they even reach my concious thought. But when I think about it, I want to hold onto her. I don't want her to date anyone else. It's different from my other friends like Lauri or Tanya because I would be happy for them and encourage them to date. However, I'd be quite jealous if Jennifer dated someone and I'd just be forcing myself to feel happy for her. I guess I'm just afraid that she won't want to be around me if she knows I feel that way about her. However, it was either look myself in the mirror or have this guy take her away. I said that I do like her and I would like him to back off if he's going to be trying for her. Then he started getting all "man, but I really like her, but alright man, I don't want to be all in your business with her, I'll back off a little, give you some alone time, but she's so cute and cool and I really like her, man." I tried to go and he kept saying more things. I finally left when someone else came to talk to him. I wanted to get back to Laci and Terri to tell them that Jennifer got home alright, but they had already left when I got back to Robert's house.
I went to Albertson's right as they were closing and the lady said she didn't find any debit cards anywhere all day. I went home and went to bed. Then I woke up and wrote this.
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| Sucky house party |
[Aug. 20th, 2005|10:14 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | awake | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Stratovarius - Stratovarius | ] |
So today was Friday. There was a party going on at a co-worker's house tonight. I was invited by someone who I work with. Jennifer would be there. Now, let's talk about her first. Very attractive. Very nice and polite. She's the one I walked up to and said she looked stunning. I guess she gets hit on all the time at work. She's 25. She's the mother of a 3 and 5 year-old. The guy she was with got arrested and they found out he was illegally from Mexico so he was sent back. She's been single for 2 years. She hasn't gone out and done anything for 2 years because of her kids and her sister's kids who she watches. She hangs out at her mom's house a lot. She's not looking to date anyone at the moment and doesn't date anyone younger than she is. Some of the painters and even my boss have tried getting her to go out with them with no luck. I now eat almost every break and lunch with her. She has my phone number and tried calling me twice today before the party (but the reception out here sucks and I wasn't able to get the calls and she was using her mom's phone because she doesn't have one right now and the number on it is restricted so I couldn't call back).
I got to the party at around 9ish. Terri, Laci, and Jennifer weren't there yet. Then they came. There were about 2/3 black people and 1/3 white with the exception of maybe 2 hispanics. Rap/hip hop music playing, of course. Most were wearing clothes that were about to fall off whether it be way too big for the guys or way too small for the girls. I thought most of the guys looked ridiculous and didn't see how any girl could take them seriously. I personally had sorta baggy blue jeans, black boots, black tanktop with unbuttoned silkish shirt that fades from dark blue at bottom to light blue at top, and my hair slicked back with gel. I also trimmed my goatee so it's a lot shorter. I saw myself in the mirror and man I looked WAY cool. I had a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, then later had a glass of champagne and also a shot of something similar to Crown Royal. I had a hot dog as well.
Here comes the unsmooth part. I was a total drag. I didn't talk much. I didn't go up to any girls at all the whole night. A lot of the time I was just observing like I always do. Either that or just listening to the music and trying to understand what was being said over the unoriginal, talentless, unchanging music behind the lyrics. Jennifer, however, was the main attraction it seemed like. Every guy hit on her at least once (moving around quite a bit while talking and smiling with half-closed eyes like they are sleepy) and since she's really nice she was receptive of their chatting her up at length. I often wanted to go in and talk to her but some other feelings were much stronger ones. First of all I didn't have anything good to say that would be worth pulling her away for and I would sound stupid. Even if I did have something to say, it would be rude to just interrupt. She hasn't been out in 2 years and she was having a lot of fun talking to everyone. I'm barely even her friend and I have no say over her whatsoever. She did talk to me a few times to ask if I was alright because I was just kind of keeping to myself. I said I was. It's hard to understand what people say because they talk like they're rapping. They are drunk themselves and so far I haven't heard anything that wasn't repeated to me 5 times and any of those 5 times being something with any brainwork behind it.
I started thinking about the RPGi meet and thought "man, what if that is just like this" but then remembered that you guys are actually cool. I remembered that we have fun with comedy. These people were laughing but nothing funny was being said. One group of guys was rapping along with the song. All the other guys were trying to hit on any girl they saw. Terri and Laci were pretty much keeping to themselves also. They were just sitting in chairs outside and talking with another co-worker. I was being more social than they were and they were the ones who invited me. Somehow I ended up being the guard for the only bathroom in the house so no guys went in when ladies were using it. The landlord was there and he talked to me. He said I'm cool and if anyone gives me any trouble with anything (because the party was outside and the only people inside were to be those using the bathroom or getting something to eat or drink) to just tell him and he'd have my back. He said it about 10 million times and I got it the first time. The renter of the house said I'm a good man for watching the bathroom because he can't watch everything. I was thanked quite a few times from girls who would use the bathroom.
These 2 girls were talking to Jennifer (she's talkative to everyone) and somehow from trying to walk by I got trapped against the railing on the stairs outside by all 3 of them and I immediately became part of the conversation. One of the girls walked away but Krista stayed. She was 18 and totally drunk. It was crowded up there with people trying to get by and she said she'd have to lean on me so she wouldn't fall if someone pushed her. Fine by me. After people started saying for anyone under 21 to leave, I guess Krista disappeared. Her friend's keys were in her purse and she was going around asking everyone where Krista went. Jennifer said that she'd give her a ride home if she couldn't find her car. The girl was going to go see if it was where she parked it and I offered to go with her. Jennifer said that I would walk with her and that I'm a good person to walk with. She was having a cussing fit on the way there and her car wasn't there so she got really pissed off and just yelling stupid things at random. We walked back. I just wanted to go but I wanted to walk Jennifer to her car so I stayed until she was leaving. That wasn't for a while.
A fight started up and 2 girls were hitting eachother and of course, people took sides and made the fight bigger. People came in to break it up but weren't able to do it before some more bottles were thrown to break in the street or make dents in windshields. Jennifer was walking around with this worried look on her face like "what's wrong? why is everyone fighting?" An older guy who had spent a lot of time talking with her kept going over to her and putting his arm around her and trying to pull her away but she wasn't paying attention and kept going to see better. They got the rowdy ones to leave and then the police came and the landlord and renter were the ones to talk to them. Then it was a lot of sitting around in the house not doing much of anything. This younger guy who had been hitting on everyone was talking with Jennifer. Laci was telling me NOT to let her drive. I'm not around drunk people hardly at all so I can't tell when someone's drunk or not but Laci said she's wasted. She was keeping her head though. She was getting plenty of phone numbers but not giving her's (her mom's) out. The guy was trying to get her to go with him to his house but she wouldn't. That's right, Jennifer. You have kids at home. You don't want to just get laid by anyone. You have things to do tomorrow like moving. Good for you for being responsible. She did leave with him to go to another party, though. Bah. He told me they were going to his house after it when I asked him about it. I told her to call me after it because I didn't want her driving. She didn't have my number with her. I couldn't find anything to write with and they were wanting to leave. I asked if she'd be alright to drive after it. She said she hasn't had anything to drink for a few hours and that she wouldn't drink any more at the next party. I said, "Good, make sure you don't." She said it was good seeing me, then walked off with him.
I walked back to my car worried out of my mind. What if she did drink more? Drunk people always think they are okay to drive. She doesn't have my number. Should I go to the other party so I can drive her home just in case? I know I'd just be hanging around and doing the same thing I did at this one. I don't want to be a freakin' stalker and follow her around. It was 3 in the morning. No, she's responsible. I can trust her to know better than to drink more. I just hope my trust is well-placed. I hope she calls me tomorrow. I'm supposed to help her move.
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| Gah! Flat tires! |
[Aug. 15th, 2005|11:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hot | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Mum - Stir | ] |
Okay, for late-breaking details! I was happily walking to my car in the far back parking lot. Jennifer, the super hot girl I mentioned was "stunning" to her face one day. After some rough starts I finally maintained a friendly familiarity with her (A.K.A. I eat almost every break and lunch with her and we talk about all kinds of stuff and joke sarcastically about things such as her working slow because the people she works with say she does when she's doing their work plus her's and talking about our families and childhood and she'll come up and hit me if she's walking by or something like that). I went to my car and *gasp* my driver-side rear tire was completely flat! How could this happen? Did I run over something? I walked to the other side and the other back tire was completely flat, too! I didn't have my cell phone with me, so I caught Jennifer before she got in her car and told her of my troubles. She agreed to give me a ride home and asked if I'd be able to take it from there. I said I'd probably have my parents get a can of stuff you spray into the tire to fix the flat or she could take me if she wanted to. She said she was almost out of gas as an excuse not to. She had to get home anyway. So she dropped me off at my apartment and I called my mom. She was at the lake with my siblings and my dad was doing a photoshoot somewhere.
The people who live above me came outside and I told them about it. The guy said he'd drive me there to take a look at them. I wanted to get my CD's (Air, Ayreon, Nightwish, Dream Theater, Therion, Junior Senior, other bands I don't want to lose, etc.) and wallet out in case someone did it so the car would sit there and they could break into it later. We got there and they weren't slashed. He couldn't see any nails in them. He said maybe someone just let the air out as a joke. The security guard came and wanted to know what we were doing. I told her the tale. I grabbed my stuff and we left.
I walked into town, ate Dairy Queen, called up Frammy and told him about it since he's the only one of who's number I know besides Mummified Asp. Then, Liam got on the phone, gave me his number, and had to go. I decided to walk to my aunt's and get her air compressor. I was up for a walk anyway. My mom called and said she was coming back and bringing an air compressor from one of the church members who she was at the lake with. So she picked me up and drove me to their house, then my dad drove me to my work and we filled them most of the way. He went home and I went to the gas station, filled up my tank with the cheap gas that is still expensive, then filled my tires up (with air, not cheap gas that is still expensive). My dad wants me to spend the night over there in case they are flat in the morning so I can take his car. He works across the street from where I work and it's just 2 miles from their house. If they aren't flat, then we know someone let the air out. At any rate, I'll take it at lunch to Les Schwab Tire Center where I bought the tires only a month ago that is right next door to where my dad works and have them check them out.
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how_heartless's journal
